Monthly Archives: February 2011

Better Friends

I was going to write a whole bunch of thoughts that had been swimming around in my head about friendship and what it means to be a good friend and how I hope to be a better one. But then something happened and I realized that though my thoughts were valid something more to the point was in order.

 “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”- Thomas Merton

 John 15:12-13

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

 “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.’ –Ralph Waldo Emerson

 “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.'” –C.S. Lewis

 “If we would build on a sure foundation in friendship, we must love friends for their sake rather than for our own.” –Charlotte Bronte

 Hopefully someday I will write a brilliant post on what it means to be a good friend and what I intend to do to be a better one. In the interim, perhaps you might try something: write someone you consider a friend a letter. A real one- not an e-mail. Find nice paper or a card they would like and then mail it. I promise I don’t work for the postal service and they didn’t put me up to it. I just know that sometimes getting a letter or note in the mail can make any day a little better. It tells someone they are special even when you write very little and write about inconsequential things. RAWR!!!!

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Frigid Ramblings

Today I can’t seem to get warm which makes my body ache all over. But I am learning ways to cope. One of my favorites (that I can actually do at work- can’t go see Strider or Matt or pet the dog at work, and though I can sometimes knit it depends on the moment) is to look at the mountains. I am certainly lucky to live in a state with such awesome beauty. This morning the mountains are of course snow capped, giving the craggy peaks a frosted look. Then, the clouds above them were tinged in pale oranges and pinks against a light blue background. Below that though, a steely grey element is softened by light grey clouds wrapping the lower portions so only the tops of the peaks poke out. With a view like that it is hard not to feel a little better.

 The irony of it all is that I might not even notice the beauty I live with if it weren’t for pain or frustration pushing me to find an escape hatch. Odd that. Why is it that we seem to need a catalyst to notice the constant beauty? I know I can’t write a decent poem when everything in my life is going perfectly. I just can’t find any inspiration when nothing is out of place. But when there is an irritation I must find something, anything to escape the source of the irritation, even if that escape is just creatively focusing on that irritation and pretending it is happening to someone else. So I guess I am just a really good escape artist when it comes down it- a coward if I am honest though.  So I would never really be much of an artist if I wasn’t an escape artist. And though I don’t want to suggest an answer that is too easy to a problem that is far from it, perhaps there can at least be some solace in pain or frustration, or whatever it is that pokes and prods us into finally venting what becomes art.

 OK…rambling over. In the news: I am trying a new treatment. So far I have no clue if it helps. The first infusion made me tired beyond imagination, but other than that I have no assessment. I did get to joke around with an x-ray tech who was on temporary infusion patient baby sitting duty about the weird side effects of prednisone though and that was actually entertaining. It made the longer infusion time seem not very long at all. I love when medical people are honest and don’t look at you like a freak when you tell them about your experiences, so having her joke around with us about prednisone psychosis was really fun.

I have also started trailer shopping. I admit it makes me cringe to think about spending so much money but it will be so nice to not have to ask someone else when I want to take Strider or Vanya somewhere. Though I hope most of my showing this year will be with my barn, it will still be a load of my mind. Then we just need to get Matt a car so we aren’t putting miles on truck….one thing at a time.

It has been positively frigid here lately so I ride when it is warm enough and when I can’t ride I get the odd sensation of choosing what I will do with my time. I read a few books (they were amazing and gripping; I could hardly put them down. I love reading), have gotten a few knitting projects done, used our wii once or twice, and even seen Matt once or twice when we were both awake. I have to say the guilt of not riding eats away at me though making it harder to really enjoy. I need to be exercising more too but again…one thing at a time. Until next time….RAWR!!!!

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Guilty as Charged- Ambiguous

“If ever there is a tomorrow when we’re not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart, I’ll always be with you.”   -Winnie the Pooh

Please read this blog post from the Owl City blog entitled, “You are Braver than You Believe.” I have read it at least four times; I keep coming back to it because each time it catches me in a number of ways. Some are too hard for me to put into words, and some are probably nonsense, but after a rough few weeks…make that months….years….oh heck, I think if we are honest most of us don’t really have easy lifetimes at least in certain respects, it hits home every single time I read it.

First: the Winnie the Pooh quote. Don’t we all want a friend like that? A friend who is so close to us in spirit and in thought that they can see the words we need and speak them and even when they are apart, they are with us in our thoughts, memories, etc. by virtue of being such a part of us. I don’t want this to be a spiritual debate but I feel that if you have faith then of course this should be very much how faith is as well. Recently, upon realizing that a person I had very much counted as a friend really wasn’t one anymore, made me really think on friendship and how it should be. Shouldn’t our friends respect and honor us? Support us but be willing to tell us when we aren’t behaving as we should? No friend will ever be perfect; I know that, but I think at least sometimes we all need someone who sees us better than we can see ourselves to give us a reality check and someone who can cheer us on without condemnation when we are losing perspective. I hope I am that friend to my friends…

The rest of the post is where I become rather convicted. I know that there are so many things in my life right now I am struggling to change, to fix, to improve. I get impatient with my situation; I get tired of fighting battles that, when I am honest about it, I know will not end or if they will, it won’t be soon. I get tired of pain and struggle. And before I know it, I am wishing things were different. It is so easy to lose sight of the opportunities I do have, and the blessings and the reasons for hope. One thought acts like a spark in the middle of a field of dry grass- it is rapidly out of control. And yet it is a waste of energy I am ridiculously short on in the first place and often such thoughts pull me into not wanting to try- to just give up. I know- not a pretty picture.

So what does it come down to? I don’t have a perfect solution unfortunately; I wish I did. But I keep coming back to this blog post- how preposterous is it for me to wish for things to be the way I want rather than the way they are? Who am I to think I have a right to these things I don’t have? What should I focus on? What should I do? What do I actually have the power to control? Why would I have been better off if things were different? How can I presume that?

I won’t say it is easy- I will readily admit that if someone told me that there was a moment in life that tipped the scales as it were and made me get RA, or that I could prevent the accident that changed my sister’s life forever, or any number of other moments, and gave me the chance to go back and make everything different, I probably would jump at the chance. Even though I know it wouldn’t really make me content. But I guess all that is to say that peace, hope, and contentment- they all come when I embrace the life I have instead of fighting it. I just wish I could remember that more often.

So….today here are some things that are blessings for me- to remind me why things shouldn’t be different. In no particular order:

-My husband: and not just because I am married to him and think I need to put him on the list. There are too many reasons to list.

-My true Friend: because there are so few people who get so much about me and don’t think I’m bonkers (or if she thinks I’m bonkers she still seems to like me anyway lol)

-My Family: I include really all my family in this (it is a rather funky and odd family believe me…) as they have either supported me in the past or are supporting me and cheering me on now.

-My Horses: I can’t believe I have TWO still and they are both the best ever. Vanya was my companion growing up and Strider…well…hard to put into word but I will just say he is amazing.

-My Cat and Dog: because when I am not able to do much at all they can still make me smile and feel a tiny bit better.

-Knitting and spinning: few other activities can hold my attention as well, make me patient, and somehow produce something anyone else would want to use! And there is something therapeutic about fiber that can make even the worst pain or stress fade…

-Faith: I am blessed to have a Savior who cares about me, forgives my failures, and shows me by example how it’s done.

-Good Doctors: I have some amazing doctors working to reduce pain, prevent damage, etc. They also take the time to listen to me and make sure we are working towards the same goals.

 I know this was a bit of a deviation from the usual more news type of post, but it had been swimming in my head for a while and finally I decided I should just post it already. Well, until next time…..RAWR!!!

 

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized