Surprise!

Everyone knows that surprises are never ambivalent- rather a surprise is always polarized. Either the surprise is wonderful, pleasant, and happy or unpleasant, shocking, and upsetting. There doesn’t seem to be a middle ground.

 This morning I enjoyed a pleasant surprise: some inexpensive yarn I had gotten is knitting up in a way that surprised me. I have used yarn from this company often but had never used this particular kind. Recently I bought enough of a light silver grey to knit a sweater. It was affordable and seemed like a good idea at the time. I had no idea how the yarn would turn out when knit. In the skein it wasn’t what I would call remarkable; it wasn’t one of the yarns that make you go bonkers over how soft it is. It is just wool. Worsted weight, two ply wool. Winding it into a ball I noticed that it seemed airy but still didn’t notice anything remarkable. Then I cast on for the sweater- amazing! It knits up with a nice drape and is softer than I would have expected. It was surprising and made dealing with some issues at work that much easier since I knew sitting on my desk was the beginning of a sweater that is thoroughly exciting.

 A few weeks ago though I experienced the opposite kind of surprise. It was scary, unpleasant, and, dare I say, gross. I had entered a show. It was a big deal for me since it wasn’t at my barn and was USEF recognized. I had been working towards going to a show like it for a couple years now. It seemed the stars were aligned and I would finally get my chance to do a recognized dressage show away from home. Earlier in the week my horse had a lump on his nose. It seemed like perhaps a bad reaction to a fly bite so I treated it and thought everything was fine. I did many loads of laundry, bought my horse shipping boots and a day sheet (finally!), had his standing wraps ready and shavings for the stall. I managed to load two bales of hay into my trailer by myself; I was ready to load up and have a nice long weekend sleeping in my trailer and enjoying the horse show. It didn’t happen. The lump had exploded. That is the best way I can put it. What had been just a swollen lump that seemed so minor had turned into a giant open sore overnight. I called my vet and he said there was nothing he could do. But we couldn’t show with an open sore right on my horse’s nose. I treated it as aggressively as I could and then parked the trailer and went home.

 I was able to do a show at my barn the next weekend. It turned out my horse had been bitten by a velvet ant or a brown recluse spider. He has a little white smudge on his nose now where the bite was and aside from me panicking a little every time he has even a tiny fly bite now, there have been no ill effects. I know I actually was very lucky- horses seem to have a sixth sense for finding the worst time to get injured. I know more than a few horses that have had far worse injuries this summer. But even unpleasant surprises and little things can have a way of making us thankful for the little things: getting to ride my horse, the fact that miraculously he is sound, that we have come so far as to even be trying to do the larger shows in the area.

 Regardless of what kind of surprise we get we can let it help us see details we might miss. I am definitely not a great optimist naturally but even unpleasant surprises can help us get through the mundane- if only by making us grateful that the mundane is so much more pleasant than the catastrophic! Until next time- RAWR!

Killing a Monster

As promised I will give a report on how the show went. My title and to some extent my post is purely giving in to my overdramatic flair. I couldn’t resist. 

Overall the show went better than I would have hoped. I have struggled with show nerves as long as I can remember. I won’t go into the reasons behind it, but know that nerves have been a monster for me and usually I lose a class before I even go into the warm-up. I can’t point to any magic that made this time different. In a way I wish I could. Maybe I was tired of beating myself, maybe it was my trainer’s words reminding me that I needed to be there for my horse, maybe it was just making another try. I love showing, but I can’t point to a show, until now, where I came out of the arena with a sense of accomplishment. I didn’t have epic scores, though they were some of the highest scores of the day. I didn’t even do anything new. I rode the same two tests I rode last year. But the best way I can explain it is that I went into the arena, in front of the judge, random spectators, and some family and friends, and I actually thought and rode. I made corrections when I saw fit and allowed other mistakes to stand after thinking it through and deciding that letting them be was better than trying to correct them. It felt inexplicably good. It is amazing how when we stop placing too much emphasis and importance on a moment we not only become more successful but also enjoy the moment more.

 It makes me excited for the next show. I know I can go in the arena and be successful now and it makes me want to do it again. I am glad we have a bit of a break though- I can work on improving some areas so hopefully we can really commit to First Level soon. Regardless of whether I have really and truly killed my monster, I know I can take it on now. How was your weekend? What personal victories have you made or are you working towards now?

 RAWR!!!!

Tolerances

Once again, I am back. It’s been an interesting few months for me, but I am not really all that crazy about looking back on it. Suffice it to say I feel like RA may have taken over for a bit but I am working on clawing my way back to where I want to be.

Our first show of the season is this Saturday. Or so goes the theory. If I learned anything last year it is that you may have your entries in and ride times sent out but the show doesn’t happen until you are entering the arena. I don’t feel quite as ready as I want to be, but we have worked hard over the winter so I feel like at least Strider and I are further along than we were last year. We are still sticking to easy stuff, especially since show nerves have been a consistent struggle for me. My trainer finally got to witness my show nerves (she was inGermanyfor the one show I got to do last year) and her assignment to me was to show as much as possible! One of my friends suggested I slip some Irish Cream in my coffee on show mornings. My goal for this show is to just go out and focus on helping Strider as best I can and accept the fact that we won’t be perfect. I will let you know how it turns out.

But I actually had a bit of a point I wanted to make as well. In the struggles of the past few months I have learned that not only is each person’s situation with RA or other autoimmune diseases different, but also there is another key deciding factor to what each person can and cannot do. Very much depends on tolerances. Here is what I mean by that.

 The tolerances of anything basically describe what it is it can handle. Depending on what the object is the tolerances can be described in a variety of ways, but with autoimmune diseases there are some key descriptors I have found for myself at least.

 Recently I have discovered two of my own tolerances- pain and energy. I know I can withstand X amount of pain on a certain day, but only if I have a certain amount of energy. Each tolerance will be slightly related. If I decrease energy then my ability to push through pain will decrease. If I increase pain my energy will decrease. So much of learning to actually live with RA for me comes down to finding where my energy and pain tolerances are and try to make sure I am balancing them appropriately. If I push through too much pain, I lose enough energy I have to crash, if I push through a lack of energy for too long; I end up in more pain.

I mostly discover my limits with work and running. I now know that I cannot work a 50+ hour week, run 10 miles a week, ride my horse 4 times, and then expect not to have consequences. It may seem obvious but I used to do so much more in a week. I am slowly but surely getting better at planning my week so I get to comfortable levels of everything: running maybe 6 miles each week (though I wish it was more….more on that in a moment), riding three or four times, and working under 45 hours. Then add in a night really and truly off- such as a knitting meet up with my friend, or a night at home watching tv with my husband or even by myself. I am slowly figuring out where the right balance point is; what my tolerances really are.

 One point of surprise for many people, even who know me well, is that I still try to run. I usually get a reaction of surprise that I can run or a reaction of surprise that I think it’s a good idea. Don’t get me wrong, running is probably not the ideal sport for many people with RA. I am not completely bonkers (well, maybe I am, but I am pretty rational when it comes to other people). But the more I thought about why running is important to me the more I recognized a few key points. First, every run feels like a victory for me. It doesn’t matter how painful, how short, how hard, or how slow, but every run I complete makes me feel like I have won a small battle against RA. Additionally, I realized running for me is different than for many people. Pain is a constant. Not a little- a lot of pain. But because I know that at least most of the time I am not doing myself harm by running I push through the pain. It may be a struggle to walk, to pick up a cup, to do buttons, wash my hair, or make my bed, but running, though painful, is me choosing to challenge the pain. So it’s not so much that I can run, it’s that I make myself run. It is once again about tolerances. Sometimes for a mental victory, it is worth physical pain. Sometimes I just can’t work myself up to it though.

 It all comes down to balance though. I can only knit for so long before my hands give me trouble, I can only run so much before the pain is too much and I can only work so many hours before I lose the energy to even move. I think regardless of whether you are totally healthy or are struggling with an autoimmune issue, we would all do well to know our limits, find what we want to tolerate, and work towards balancing our lives in a way we can enjoy and maintain. What in your life is worth it to you to push through something unpleasant?

 That is all for now. Hopefully I will have a show report early next week. Until next time….RAWR!!!

Conclusion: Because

I recently came to an important conclusion about my riding. I am sure you are waiting with baited breath to hear what it was. But to I think I should give you a little background first.

It started when I finished a few knitting projects I had planned on for quite some time. I had, in rapid succession, quite a few knitting projects I had planned to give away as gifts. I, of course, have many more I wanted to do, but I didn’t really want to start on them yet and none of the gift deadlines were particularly looming. So I felt a little depressed. There are so many beautiful projects in the world to be knit, how could I knit them all, and if I couldn’t knit them all, why should I bother knitting anything? Thus went my completely ridiculous line of reasoning. So I listlessly flipped through my knitting books and magazines thinking how fabulous it would be to knit this sweater, or that hat, but I just didn’t have the right yarn. Then I started going through my yarn stash and feeling the beautiful yarns and thinking of how I would love to knit with this yarn or that yarn, but darn it, I just didn’t have the right pattern. And then it hit me. I madly grabbed the two skeins of homespun yarn my mother had sent me ages ago that had been sitting in my stash begging for the perfect project and then lunged for the issue of Piecework that I knew had a pattern I had been longing to knit if only I had the perfect yarn. I knit a test swatch (but only a very small one because I generally don’t believe in them and because it is a shawl pattern for heaven’s sake) and then I paused…I realized I had no real reason to knit this beautiful shawl pattern from 1930, that perhaps Miss Marple would have knit. I had no one in mind that I would give it to, and I had no real use for it myself, though I suppose I could use it at work. Why would I knit this project? That was when it hit me- why not! I would knit it, as huge and ridiculous as it may be, because I could and it was there and I wanted to do it. I would enjoy it, the yarn was just right for the pattern and vice versa, it would be beautiful and special. Of course it will take ages and I am praying I have enough of the unique yarn that I cannot get any more of, but I am doing it because it will be knitting for the sake of knitting. What does that have to do with my great conclusion about my riding?

Well, of course, though I qualified for our state’s dressage championships at training and first level I decided that I wouldn’t go. It would be fiscally unwise for me, I haven’t been able to take as many lessons as I would like, and aside from the shows at which I qualified I haven’t shown Strider at all. And did I mention those shows were at the barn where I board? He usually travels well and winning certainly isn’t everything, but I want our first trip to championships to be over the moon wonderful. I don’t want to be worried that I am not prepared and that I can’t really afford it. But I still have been riding like a crazy person. At least 4 days a week, no matter what, I am at the barn riding. There was a brief time I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why. Was I trying to prove something? Was I determined to get to second level by next year? No and no. Well, kind of no. Mostly no. I realized that right now I am riding religiously for the sake of riding. Because I love riding and my horse and the barn where I board and the experience of it- and I didn’t really need another reason. So my great realization is that goals are wonderful. Having a reason to do something can often be very important. But sometimes it is just as important to do something for no reason at all.

So, I hope you do something you love not because you have a goal to accomplish, but just because. And until next time, RAWR!!!!

Totaled

Last Tuesday I had a bad day. It wasn’t an RA flare, or just being in a bad mood, and I know that attitude really effects how we perceive things. But I think this counts as a genuine bad day; not that I don’t see a few positives. I will get there, just bear with me for a bit. But let me tell you what happened:

 First, I set my alarm clock one hour late on accident. I plead that when I set it after 11pm the night before I wasn’t really aware of what I was doing. As far as why I was up that late the night before- that is a longer story but suffice it to say my schedule right now is pretty rough. Sometimes I think we get cosmic foreshadowing of things to come. Perhaps my having all of 2 minutes to get dressed and out the door to have any prayer of getting to work on time (I usually leave before my alarm even went off that day) should have been a good clue that staying in bed that day would have been the better choice.

Miraculously, I made it to work on time and work though less than fun went as well as it usually does- nothing remarkable there. I managed to leave nearly on time for my dentist appointment that afternoon. It was a bright sunny day, I was just heading in for a cleaning, and really things were going well after such a rough start. Until I went to get on the interstate. For those of you that aren’t familiar,Coloradohas relatively speedy interstates. The speed limit in many sections is 75mph, but many people go 80mph and merging can be interesting since often drivers are less than kind about allowing people in. I was driving on an on ramp with a tight curve, and to my awareness, I was suddenly swerving out of control; every correction I made to try to gain control just made the situation worse. I hadn’t been going very fast, since I drive that on ramp all the time and know the turn is tight, but I slammed on the brakes and pulled my car into a skid away from traffic. Good idea, right? Well it was until the skid took me into a pole sideways. Ears ringing and vision returning after the side airbag deployed, I sat there in disbelief. I have never been in a real car accident (that is qualified by the term real because I did have a minor one once but someone essentially backed in to me from a stop because they took their foot of their brake), and at the time I couldn’t figure out what had happened to cause it. I was dazed and shaken but otherwise ok. I got out of my car and glanced over it. It looked remarkably fine considering, and seeing the interstate a few feet away made me grateful that the situation hadn’t been worse. A driver that had been behind me stopped and made sure I was ok and I took a minute and gathered myself. I looked at the time, well, I still had plenty of time to make it to the dentist, even if I went slowly.

I eased onto the interstate and my car felt a little odd but ok considering, or so I thought. I got about a mile down the road when it swerved a little again and then I heard a distinctive sound. I admit my first thought wasn’t particularly printable. I pulled over, and got out and started attempting to change my tire which was rather flat. I was beyond shaken at this point so I really wasn’t making good progress. I had the jack out but couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to put it together all of a sudden. So, I am fiddling with pieces of the jack when a Colorado Department of Transportation truck pulls up. The two CDOT guys were amazing. They had the tire changed so quickly I hardly knew what was happening. Thankful for my full size spare, I was on my way again, if rather slowly, since by this time I was quite terrified to drive. I got off the interstate at the next exit and took a back way to the dentist’s office. I made it just in time for my appointment somehow, so I was lucky enough to find out I need more dental work done. (I have major jaw problems so though not surprising the vast amount of dental work I have had and how much trouble it is for me makes it an ordeal.)

 So, I readily and hastily submit that I am grateful that I wasn’t hurt beyond a bruise from the airbag deployment. I also am rather glad I had switched insurance companies a few months ago and have much better insurance than I used to have. Bythe next afternoon I had a rental car, covered by insurance, and my husband was steadily working through the insurance claim process. So it was pretty bad as far as days go, but it seems like things are working out. Unfortunately, per the insurance company, my bug is squashed, or rather, totaled. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. One point of relief though, was that even in a rental car, Strider still comes up to the pasture fence when I drive up. Don’t ask me how he knows its me, and believe me, I have asked other people if he does that when they drive up and they assure me he doesn’t (so I either have friends that want me to feel flattered by my horse or a horse that is pretty wonderful. Or both.). 

Unfortunately that means that this week will be devoted to dental work, a rheumatologist appointment, and car shopping. I think those are three of my top five most dreaded activities. I am hoping for riding as many days as I can and a knitting night to ease the pain. So far I am at least on track with riding, even if I did mostly stretchy work with Strider last night. We have no more shows this season (I know, we really only had one: between EHV-1 and finances it has been a good season for me to focus on training), though I will get to groom at one, so it is nice to just ride and try to keep improving.

I guess all that to say, I think we all have truly bad days, thankfully, a day only lasts 24 hours and even seasons have to change someday. And horse time usually helps. Well, until next time, RAWR!!!

Look Behind You

I have a picture on my desk at work of when I first started riding Strider. It was taken at a schooling show literally about a month after I started riding him. I remember I knew it was nuts to take him to one so soon since I could barely even get on him I was in such bad shape from RA and he hadn’t been ridden for a long time. The riding he had before that hadn’t sat well with him (that is a good part of the story of how he came to be given to me- yes I said given…though at this point in the story I was leasing him) and before that he had been on the track. Basically it was silly to do, but I wanted to try. He is the shaggiest I think he has ever gotten, his feet were a mess; the best description I can give of him then is of a rather refined looking mule with ears that didn’t want it enough. Brown horses that haven’t had fabulous grooming and care just don’t look good- and I am referring to the true brown horses that everyone calls dark bay with bleach spots. There is so much wrong in the picture: girth cover because the only girth I had was ancient and had no elastic, Strider isn’t tracking up, mismatched neoprene splint boots I borrowed, my position is atrocious, and I was considerably heavier than I am now. But I love that picture. Strider still wasn’t convinced about me yet, but I was thrilled and it shows. The joy in being able to ride again, even if it was terrible, was obvious.

That picture is also a reminder of how far we have come. I don’t have many pictures of Strider and me, but I know how he looks when he walks up to me in the pasture. I know he trusts me now and even usually will leave his food and his “hole” (that’s what we call his shed ha-ha) when he hears me call him. He is sleek and shiny now; his feet are in great shape (for a TB type horse- no cracks and good wall. His angles are much better and his front feet are up a shoe size.); he is incredibly muscled; his personality is really showing and I think every time I see him I am in awe that I  get to ride him.

So what’s my point aside from that I like looking at a terrible picture and I adore my horse? Well, I think sometimes on the middle of struggling and pushing so hard to move forward and prevail over hard things sometimes we forget to remember from where we came. Whether in dressage, hunter jumpers, or fighting RA sometimes it helps to remember how far you really have come. It may seem at times like we only move backwards, especially when treating RA, I know, because I remember what it was like to be on a treatment that worked. But sometimes we have to remember what it was like to before we were diagnosed, or when we were diagnosed in order to see that, though it may feel like I have no options, at least I have a great rheumatologist on my side now. Or in dressage, sometimes we get hard on ourselves (ha! Sometimes? Maybe always?) and our horses because we can’t seem to perfect a certain movement, reach a goal, or we let our minds get the better of us, but where were we and our horses 6 months, a year, or 2 years ago?  If we look back maybe we can find the hope and faith to keep moving forward; it isn’t a new thought at all, but I know I needed the reminder. Just don’t get stuck looking behind you- you never know when you might run into a wall or a tree or a manure pit or something- trust me on that one.

Until next time- RAWR!!!!!!

Finally! (and some drama)

I did it! Part of the reason for my long silence, though not all of it, was that I kept trying to take Strider in a dressage show. The first one I had to scratch due to a death in the family, the second one I entered and the whole show was canceled because of the EHV-1 outbreak. I was starting to sense a trend. I decided to risk it and try entering a third show though. It was last weekend and there was no apocalypse, a lot of drama though.

First, Strider’s saddle fit became a really big issue. It had been a small issue and had seemed correctable with shims and pads- and then more pads, and more pads. We were at four pads and my calling him, “princess and the pea horse” was a little too apropos for comfort. He was starting to get back sore as well. I was not ok with that and it did nothing good for our suppleness or transitions to say the least. He is already conformationally challenged so I didn’t want any other issues. I also go into the horse version of panicked parent mode when I know my horse is uncomfortable.

As soon as I could I started saddle shopping. Thankfully one of the mobile tack stores has a large used selection and was going to be close by; I was able to try six saddles in one weekend! Even better one of them actually seemed to be a great fit for Strider. The only downside was that it was a bit of a gamble because my trainer couldn’t check it for me. Based on my own knowledge and how my horse felt in it I decided to go with it (trainer is still out of the country- I will let you know if that was a good gamble when she gets back!). Worst case it has improved his royal highness’ back, doesn’t require four pads, and is, in my opinion, and based on some quick digging on the internet, a better value than what I had before. Now I can just hope my old saddle sells quickly so I can replenish my somewhat drained savings.

The new saddle came just in time. In fact, I got it exactly a week before the show. Less than ideal timing, but at least I got it before the show, since my old saddle was definitely not helping us out. I was worried I would be riding my dressage tests in my jumping saddle. But thankfully that didn’t end up happening.

 More surprises were in order though as the Thursday before the show I had to leave work early and go see my doctor because I was having intense stomach pain. There were no clear answers, as usual, but we treated the pain and set an appointment for a ct scan. Not eating in preparation for the ct scan calmed things down a little and though I didn’t get the results of the scan before the show I was able to make it through thanks to the wonders of modern medicine.

 I will spare you the rest of the drama involving warm up arena melt downs (Strider: “ZOMGWTFBBQ there are more than three horses in the arena), boot disasters (one fit and not the other- no kidding), and missing tractor parts.

 I will be honest: my first ride was terrible and it was all my fault. Poor Strider tolerated my show nerves fabulously though and between his generally being good and a somewhat nice judge we managed to eke out a 64% on t-3. It got better as the test went on, but I am pretty sure a drunken sailor on a unicycle could have done a better center line and halt, salute.

 Somewhat miraculously (it’s me we’re talking about here- historically I haven’t shown very well. Even when I have scored well I am usually an absolute basketcase), I gathered my wits, drank some sports drink and actually breathed a little before my next test. I admit I was worried since it was First level, but I figured I may as well relax and enjoy rather than freak out if the results would be the same. My old trainer used to hate it when I would say, “I have to stop caring,” because she didn’t understand what I meant. I am realizing that in order to show well I have to be able to let go of the outcome. I ride far better when I don’t care. It’s not bad in my case, because then I actually ride. Not caring for me doesn’t mean I stop trying; it enables me to try. We went in and though I rode conservatively, we ended up with a 67%. I really couldn’t have been more pleased.

 The next day we had a different judge and the scores, on average, were lower. We managed a 68% on T-3 (and it felt amazing!!) and a 61% on First 1. Both rides felt incredibly steady though and I was absolutely thrilled.

Vanya has not been sitting around all this time either. He has been doing western. I jokingly say that he “has a 4-Her.” I think in theory the 4-Her has him but if you ask him I am sure it is the other way around. He has done well at remembering what little western he knew and improving on it and has even become vaguely decent as a showmanship horse. He still needs work but western is good for him in his old age. I am sure he will be excited when fair is over and we can start focusing more on getting him and his 4-Her ready for barrels and poles though. He also is going to get his own little kid after fair and I cannot wait for him to get some lead line action.

 My RA has been pretty bad which is really why I haven’t been posting much. I am determined to push through it to the extent that I can, but often I have the energy to work, ride, etc. and then posting falls by the wayside. I will do my best to update more frequently whenever I can. I am trying acupuncture to help with some of the side issues that have been nagging at me so we’ll see if that helps. Even my knitting has been slower than usual. Oh well….always have to keep pushing on!! RAWR!!!!